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Poodle hat by weird al yankovic
Look If you had One shot To sit on your lazy butt And watch all the TV you ever wanted Until your brain turned to mush Would you go for it? Or just let it slip? Yo Remote is ready Eyes wide, palms are sweaty There's Flintstones on the TV already Wilma 'n' Betty No virgin to channel surfin' And I'm HD-ready So I flip Garbage is all I'm getting There's Simon Cowell Who folks wanna disembowel He opens his mouth Always says something foul They're dyin', wow Wannabes are crying now He votes them out Time to throw in the towel Shows based on reality Oh, the humanity! Oh, Ozzy's family Sho' loves profanity Whoa, the insanity Oh, dogs that crap and pee Home of depravity? No, they live happily Yo Plus "Da Ali G Show" And "Celebrity Mole" Oh, and there's Anna Nicole Well, she's scaring me "Look ma, no cavities" Oh, it's a station break Better go out to the kitchen and microwave something "You're gonna lose your mind watchin' TV" They told me, they'd scold me But I'd still tune in every show (show) My cable gets C-SPAN, TV-Land, and HBO The Travel Channel, Discovery, and Lifetime (yo) "You're gonna lose your mind watchin' TV" They told me, cajoled me, "Turn off those music videos" (no) I'm gonna watch C-SPAN, TV-Land, and HBO The History Channel and QVC and Lifetime (yo) (You're gonna) My butt is aching As I watch NASCAR racing That show about undertaking Larry King To "24" to "Law And Order" The Weather Channel's boring like "60 Minutes"'s ancient reporters Next up on "E! True Hollywood Story" The rise and decline of twelve actors named Corey Shows for next fall, they've already been namin' "CSI: Boise" and "Touched By An Uncle" both sound pretty lame 'n' So does "Everybody Tolerates Raymond" And "King of Queens" jumped the shark the first minute I can't believe Richard Simmons ain't in it I'll move right on to "8 Simple Rules For Dating My Teenaged Daughter" Then I bet I watch "The Bachelorette" Followed by "Welcome Back, Kotter" And "The Muppet Show" where they go 'Mahna Mahna' "You're gonna lose your mind watching TV" They told me, they'd scold me But I'd still tune in every show (show) My cable gets C-SPAN, TV-Land, and HBO The Disney Channel and A&E and Lifetime (yo) "You're gonna lose your mind watching TV" They told me, cajoled me But I still love Lisa Kudrow (drow) I'm looking at C-SPAN, TV-Land, and HBO The Playboy Channel and Court TV and Lifetime (yo) (You're Gonna) Never missed "Melrose Place" or "Lost In Space" I've seen each "Amazing Race" and "Without A Trace" But I only watched "Will And Grace" one time one day Wish I hadn't 'cause TiVo now thinks I'm gay Oh, and "Fear Factor" I watched maybe a half hour After that, felt like I needed a long shower Network execs with naked ambitions "Next week on FOX, watch lions eat Christians" Like to tie up those programming planners Make 'em watch all of that junk 'til their heads explode just like "Scanners" Leech-covered grub-eatin' fools on "Survivor" Look there's James Lipton discussing the oeuvre of Mr. Rob Schneider And there's "Gilligan" and "SpongeBob", plus there's "MacGyver" And Jay Leno has got Madonna, hey there's Luke Perry on a Special all Pig-Latin episode of "Drew Carey" Wanna turn on "E.T." 'cause I'm a gossip freak And I gotta know who J. Lo is marryin' this week A 30 second spot Then we come back to "Are You Hot?" I was planning on recording "The Sopranos" I forgot I love shows with or without a plot I'll stare 'til my legs are numb, my eyes bloodshot Because I only have got One brain to rot I'm gonna spend my life watching television a lot "You're gonna lose your mind watching TV" They told me, they'd scold me But I'd still tune in every show (show) My cable gets C-SPAN, TV-Land, and HBO The Sci-Fi Channel and AMC and Lifetime (yo) "You're gonna lose your mind watching TV" They told me, cajoled me, "Turn off that Oprah Winfrey show" (no) I got it on C-SPAN, TV-Land, and HBO The Learning Channel and MTV and Lifetime (yo) (You're gonna) You can watch anything you want to, man effects from tools Nothin' ever (ever) happens in this town Feelin' low down (down), not a lot to do around here I thought that I would go right out of my mind Until a friend told me the news He said, "Hey, you know that vacant lot Right beside the gas station? Well, somebody bought it And on that spot they're gonna build a shop Where we can go buy bolts and screws" Since then I've been walking on air (air) I can barely brush my teeth or comb my hair 'Cause I'm so excited and I really don't care I've been waiting since last June For this day to finally arrive I'm so happy (happy) now just to be alive 'Cause any minute now I'm gonna be inside Well, I hope they open soon I can't wait, (no I) I can't wait (oh when) When are they gonna open up that door? I'm goin' (yes I'm) goin', I'm a-goin' to the Goin' to the (hard) ware I'm goin', really goin' to the Goin' (hard) I'm goin' to the (hard) oh yes, I'm goin' to the Hardware store In my sleeping bag I camped out overnight Right in front of the store, then as soon as it was light out I pressed my nose right up against the glass You know, I had to be first in line Gonna get me a flashlight and a broom Want a pair of pliers for every single room of my house See those hacksaws? Very, very soon One of them will be all mine Guys with nametags walking down the aisles Rows of garden hoses that go on for miles and miles Brand new socket wrenches in a plethora of styles All arranged alphabetically And they're doing a promotional stunt There's a great big purple sign out front That says every 27th customer Will get a ball peen hammer free I can't wait, (no I) I can't wait (oh when) When are they gonna open up that door? I'm goin' (yes I'm) goin', I'm a-goin' to the Goin' to the (hard) ware I'm goin', really goin' to the Goin' (hard) I'm goin' to the (hard) oh yes, I'm goin' to the Hardware store I'm goin' (yes I'm) goin', I'm a-goin' to the Goin' to the (hard) ware I'm goin', really goin' to the Goin' (hard) I'm goin' to the (hard) oh yes, I'm goin' to the Hardware store Would you look at all that stuff ... They've got allen wrenches, gerbil feeders, toilet seats, electric heaters Trash compactors, juice extractor, shower rods and water meters Walkie-talkies, copper wires safety goggles, radial tires BB pellets, rubber mallets, fans and dehumidifiers Picture hangers, paper cutters, waffle irons, window shutters Paint removers, window louvres, masking tape and plastic gutters Kitchen faucets, folding tables, weather stripping, jumper cables Hooks and tackle, grout and spackle, power foggers, spoons and ladles Pesticides for fumigation, high-performance lubrication Metal roofing, water proofing, multi-purpose insulation Air compressors, brass connectors, wrecking chisels, smoke detectors Tire guages, hamster cages, thermostats and bug deflectors Trailer hitch demagnetizers, automatic circumcisers Tennis rackets, angle brackets, Duracells and Energizers Soffit panels, circuit breakers, vacuum cleaners, coffee makers Calculators, generators, matching salt and pepper shakers I can't wait, (no I) I can't wait (oh when) When are they gonna open up that door? I'm goin' (yes I'm) goin', I'm a-goin' to the Goin' to the (hard) ware I'm goin', really goin' to the Goin' (hard) I'm goin' to the (hard) oh yes, I'm goin' to the Hardware store I'm goin' (yes I'm) goin', I'm a-goin' to the Goin' to the (hard) ware I'm goin', really goin' to the Goin' (hard) I'm goin' to the (hard) oh yes, I'm goin' to the Hardware store I'm goin' (yes I'm) goin', I'm a-goin' to the Goin' to the (hard) ware I'm goin', really goin' to the Goin' (hard) I'm goin' to the (hard) oh yes, I'm goin' to the Hardware store It's rotten So rotten here So rotten Oh It was like, the last day before trash day My place was gettin' kinda nas-tay Even though the garbage I knew would reek (You know) Thought that I could leave it for one more week Then, um, I'm takin' Birthday cake 'n' (Oh) Chili and greasy old bacon Throw it all on top of the mess I been makin' Wife's so mad, she starts to shakin' Leaky bag, 'n' now that girl is gaggin' She's naggin' "I need you to get that stuff off the kitchen floor" "Is that too much to ask you for?" But I see no reason why Can't let a few more weeks go by And now garbage is piled high And buddy, you should see the flies I said ... There's somethin' rotten here (say what?) You better hold your nose, oh (uh, uh, uh, uh) (Hey, you disgusting slob, you gotta take the trash out) Oh, boy there's a lot in here (a lot) And every day it grows (uh, uh, uh, uh) (Hey, you disgusting slob, you gotta take the trash out) Make ya wanna throw up Look at all this garbage I keep generatin' (Come on) I sit around all day and watch it biodegradin' Bet there's a hundred health codes that I'm violatin' Even my dog passed out and needed resuscitatin' You won't believe it, take a whiff of that aroma Sure to put you in a coma It's so messy, can't find my toenail clippers It's so bad the roaches wear slippers Warm, sweaty clothes piled up in this joint Stand up by themselves at this point It's so filthy, now baby, I can't lie I wipe my feet before I go outside I wonder what crawled in here and died (You know) Walkin' 'round barefoot, I'd be terrified But it gives me stuff to talk about with my friends Like, "Hey, I think that rats gettin' big!" Oh There's somethin' rotten here (say what?) You better hold your nose, oh (uh, uh, uh, uh) (Hey, you disgusting slob, you gotta take the trash out) Oh, look what we got in here (now what?) Let's watch it decompose (uh, uh, uh, uh) (Hey, you disgusting slob, you gotta take the trash out) Make ya wanna throw up With a little bit a ***, and a little bit a *** Make me wanna throw up It makes ya wanna ***, just makes ya wanna *** Oh Some Lysol, some Comet I got a mop and it's got your name on it (What?) I'm just kiddin', doggone it (Oh) Unless you gonna do it Careful not to breathe the fumes Check it, garbage piles are goin' all the way to the bathroom Turn into toxic waste sometime this afternoon Better get a Hazmat suit and a push broom Oh There's somethin' rotten here (say what?) You better hold your nose, oh (uh, uh, uh, uh) (Hey, you disgusting slob, you gotta take the trash out) Oh, it's gone to pot in here (to pot) Bring out the firehose (uh, uh, uh, uh) (Hey, you disgusting slob, you gotta take the trash out) Make ya wanna throw up With a little bit a ***, and a little bit a *** Make me wanna throw up Give a little bit a ***, and a tiny bit a *** Make ya wanna throw up Mix a little bit a *** with a molecule a *** Make me wanna throw up It makes me wanna *** (aw, eww), just makes me wanna *** spit Oh Finger food and an ice cold keg It won't cost you an arm and a leg Dance all night to a rotten band Come on, people, let's give 'em a hand Saturday night, it's the place to be Everybody cut footloose with me At the party at the leper colony Oh, there's a party at the leper colony Hey Met a little lady so pretty and young She was quite a little talker 'till the cat got her tongue She oozed up beside me, I turned on my charm Well, pretty soon she was completely disarmed I said, "Girl, now don't fall to pieces on me" But she cried her eyes out - literally At the party at the leper colony Oh, there's a party at the leper colony Hey, hey Hey now, buddy, don't you give me no lip Sorry I was using your head for dip There's a guy in the hot tub, I don't know who Wait a minute, it looks like Stu Well, hold the phone now, what do I see? Another pretty mama got her eye on me At the party at the leper colony Oh, there's a party at the leper colony There's a party at the leper colony (Party at the leper colony) There's a party at the leper colony (Party at the leper colony) Oh, there's a party at the leper colony Yeah, party at the leper colony Well, there's a party at the leper colony (Party at the leper colony) Hey Cut my life into piecesThis is my last resort Suffocation, no breathing Don't give a %$@& if I cut my arm bleeding This is my last resort 'Cause I'm losing my sight, losing my mind Wish somebody would tell me I'm fine Losing my sight, losing my mind Wish somebody would tell me I'm fine Nothing's all right, nothing is fine I'm running and a-crying Wake up (Wake up) Grab a brush and put a little make-up Hide the scars to fade away the shakeup (Hide the scars to fade away the shakeup) Why'd you leave the keys upon the table? Here you go create another fable You wanted to Grab a brush and put a little makeup You wanted to Hide the scars to fade away the shakeup You wanted to Why'd you leave the keys upon the table? You wanted to I don't think you trust In my self-righteous suicide I cry when angels deserve to die, die, die D-d-die die die die die Hey I'm gonna get free I'm gonna get free I'm gonna get free Ride into the sun She never loved me She never loved me She never loved me Why should anyone? (Come here, come here, come here) I'll take your photo for ya (Come here, come here, come here) Drive you around the corner (Come here, come here, come here) You know you really oughta (Come here, come here, come here) Move out to California Do what I want 'cause I can If I don't because I wanna Be ignored by the stiff and the bored Because I'm gonna Hate to say I told you so, all right Do believe I told you so Now it's all out and you knew 'Cause I wanted to Fell in love with a girl I fell in love at once and almost completely She's in love with the world But sometimes these feelings can be so misleading Can't think of anything to do Yeah, my left brain knows that all love is fleeting She's just looking for something new Yeah, I said it once before but it bears repeating, now Last night, she said "Oh baby, don't you feel so down When you turn me off When I feel left out" So I (what'd you do?) Well, I turned around (right around) "Oh, baby, gonna be alright" It was a great big lie (big old lie) 'Cause I left that night Yeah Ooh ah ah ah ah Ooh ah ah ah ah Get up Come on get down with the sickness Get up Come on get down with the sickness Get up Come on get down with the sickness Open up your hate and let it flow into me Get up Come on get down with the sickness You mother get up Come on get down with the sickness Get up Come on get down with the sickness Madness is the gift that has been given to me We're the renegades of funk We're the renegades of funk We're the renegades of funk We're the renegades of funk This time I'm 'a let it all come out This time I'm 'a stand up and shout I'm a do things my way It's my way My way or the highway This time I'm a let it all come out This time I'm a stand up and shout I'm a do things my way It's my way honk honk Or the highway But I'm on the outside I'm looking in I can see through you See your true colors 'Cause inside you're ugly Ugly like me I can see through you See to the real you Bawitdaba da bang da dang diggy diggy Diggy said the boogie said up jump the boogie Bawitdaba da bang da dang diggy diggy Diggy said the boogie said up jump the boogie We are, we are The youth of the nation We are, we are The youth of the nation We are, we are The youth of the nation We are the youth of the nation Hey I'm Slim Shady, yes I'm the real Shady All you other Slim Shadys are just imitating So won't the real Slim Shady please stand up Please stand up Please stand up I'm Slim Shady, yes I'm the real Shady All you other Slim Shadys are just imitating So won't the real Slim Shady please Please, please stand up Slim Shady won't you please stand up? (Stand up Shady)(Stand up) (Stand up Shady)(Stand up) (Stand up Shady) Shady, won't you please stand up? Hey I don't have a library card But do you mind if I check you out? I like your skeletal structure, baby You're an ectomorph, no doubt Your face is real symmetrical And your nostils are so nice I wish that I was cross-eyed, girl So I could see you twice Girl, you smell like Fritos That's why I'm giving you this hungry stare You're so hot, you're gonna melt The elastic in my underwear I'll bet you're magically delicious Like a bowl of Lucky Charms You'd look like Venus de Milo If I just cut off your arms What I'm tryin' to say is ... I wanna be your lover, baby I need somebody to love You know I just wanna be your lover, baby Now, I need somebody to love Ooh hoo hoo, ooh hoo hoo Ooh hoo hoo, hoo hoo hoo hoo hoo Ooh hoo hoo, ooh hoo hoo Ooh hoo hoo, hoo hoo hoo hoo hoo Do you believe in love at first sight Or should I walk by again? My love for you'd like diarrhea I just can't hold it in Stop, drop and roll now 'Cause baby, you're on fire I'll bet your outfit Makes a lot of noise in the drier You're absolutely perfect Don't speak now, you might spoil it Your eyes are even bluer Than the water in my toilet Say, has anyone ever told you You've got Yugoslavian hands? No, of course not, that would be stupid Just forget I ever brought it up The point I'm trying to make is ... I wanna be your lover, baby I need somebody to love You know I just wanna be your lover, baby Now, I need somebody to love Ooh hoo hoo, ooh hoo hoo Ooh hoo hoo, hoo hoo hoo hoo hoo Ooh hoo hoo, ooh hoo hoo Ooh hoo hoo, hoo hoo hoo hoo hoo I wanna be your Krakatoa Let my lava flow all ogre you I wanna be your anaconda And your heat-seeking missile too I wanna be your beef burrito Am I making this perfectly clear? I wanna be your love torpedo Are you picking up the subtle innuendo here? Uh huh I hope I'm not being forward But do you mind if I chew on your butt? You can tell me truthfully Am I a steamin' hunk of love now, or what? There just aren't enough o's in "smooth" To desribe how smooth I am Maybe you've seen my picture It's in the dictionary under "Kablaam!" My lips are registered weapons Can I invade your personal space? You must have fallen from heaven That would explain how you messed up your face Well, how'd you get through security? 'Cause, baby, you're the bomb I'd like to take you home right now So you can meet my mom Because I ... I wanna be your lover, baby I need somebody to love You know I just wanna be your lover, baby Now, I need somebody to love Girl, you must be Jamaican Because Jamaican me crazy Girl, you must be Jamaican (Ooh hoo hoo, ooh hoo hoo) Because Jamaican me crazy (Ooh hoo hoo, hoo hoo hoo hoo hoo) I wanna be your lover, baby (Girl, you must be Jamaican) (Ooh hoo hoo, ooh hoo hoo) I need somebody to love (Because Jamaican me crazy) (Ooh hoo hoo, hoo hoo hoo hoo hoo) You know I just wanna be your lover, baby (Girl, you must be Jamaican) (Ooh hoo hoo, ooh hoo hoo) Now, I need somebody to love (Because Jamaican me crazy) (Ooh hoo hoo, hoo hoo hoo hoo hoo) I wanna be your lover, baby (Girl, you must be Jamaican) (Ooh hoo hoo, ooh hoo hoo) I need somebody to love (Because Jamaican me crazy) (Ooh hoo hoo, hoo hoo hoo hoo hoo) You know I just wanna be your lover, baby (Girl, you must be Jamaican) (Ooh hoo hoo, ooh hoo hoo) Now, I need somebody to love (Because Jamaican me crazy) (Ooh hoo hoo, hoo hoo hoo hoo hoo) I wanna be your lover, baby (Girl, you must be Jamaican) (Ooh hoo hoo, ooh hoo hoo) I need somebody to love (Because Jamaican me crazy) (Ooh hoo hoo, hoo hoo hoo hoo hoo) You know I just wanna be your lover, baby (Girl, you must be Jamaican) (Ooh hoo hoo, ooh hoo hoo) Now, I need somebody to love (Because Jamaican me crazy) (Ooh hoo hoo, hoo hoo hoo hoo hoo) I wanna be your lover, baby (Girl, you must be Jamaican) (Ooh hoo hoo, ooh hoo hoo) I need somebody to love (Because Jamaican me crazy) (Ooh hoo hoo, hoo hoo hoo hoo hoo) You know I just wanna be your lover, baby (Girl, you must be Jamaican) (Ooh hoo hoo, ooh hoo hoo) Now, I need somebody to love (Because Jamaican me crazy) (Ooh hoo hoo, hoo hoo hoo hoo hoo) Uh huh ... extra cheese Uh huh, uh huh ... save a piece for me Pizza party at your house I went just to check it out Nineteen extra larges What a shame No one came Just us eatin' all alone You said, "Take the pizza home" "No sense lettin' all this go to waste" So then I faced Pizza all day And every day This cheese 'round the clock Is gettin' me blocked And I sure don't care For irregularity Tell me Why'd you have to go and make me so constipated? 'Cause right now I'd do anything to just get my bowels evacuated In the bathroom ... I sit and I wait and I strain And I sweat and I clench and I feel the pain Oh, should I take laxatives or have my colon irrigated? No no no I was feelin' pretty down 'Till my girlfriend came around We're just so alike in every way I gotta say In fact, I just thought I might Pop the question there that night I was kissing her so tenderly But woe is me Who would have guessed Her family crest I'd suddely spy Tattooed on her thigh And son-of-a-gun It's just like the one on me Tell me How was I supposed to know we were both related? Believe me, if I knew she was my cousin we never would have dated What to do now? Should I go ahead and propose And get hitched and have kids with eleven toes And move to Alabama where that kind of thing is tolerated? No no no no no no no No no no no no no no No no no no no I had so much on my mind I thought maybe I'd unwind Try out that new roller coaster ride And the guide Said not to stand But that's a demand That I couldn't meet I got on my feet And stood up instead And knocked off my head, you see Tell me Why'd I have to go and get myself decapitated? This really is a major inconvenience, oh man, I really hate it Such a drag, now ... Can't eat, I can't breathe, I can't snore I can't belch or yodel anymore Can't spit or blow my nose or even read Sports Illustrated Oh no Why'd I have to go and get myself all mutilated? (yeah, yeah) I gotta tell ya, life without a head kinda makes me irritated What a bummer Can't blink, I can't cough, I can't sneeeze But my neck is enjoyin' a pleasant breeze now Haven't been the same since my head and I were separated No no no I was watching my TV one night when they broke in with a special report About dsome devistating earthquake in Peru There were thirty thousand crushed to death, even more were buried alive On the Richter scale it measured 8.2 And I said, "Gabe, please answer me one question?" "Why'd they have to interrupt 'The Simpsons' just for this?" What a drag, 'cause I was taping it and everything And now I'll have to wait for the rerun to see the part of the show I missed Why does this always happen? Why does this always happen to me? Why does this always happen? (Why) Why does this always happen to me? Ba ba ba ba, ba ba ba ba ba Ba ba ba ba, ba ba ba ba ba I was driving down the highway when all the traffic slowed to a crawl There was a twelve-car pile-up, everybody dead And I saw brains and guts and vital organs splattered everywhere As well as my friend Robert's disembodied head And I thought - Poor Rob, I just had lunch with him Hey, wait a minute, he still owes me money - what a jerk Well, there's five bucks that I'm never gonna see again Plus now, on top of everything else, it looks like I'm gonna be late to work Why does this always happen? Why does this always happen to me? Why does this always happen? (Why) Why does this always happen to me? Ba ba ba ba, ba ba ba ba ba Ba ba ba ba, ba ba ba ba ba Ba ba ba ba, ba ba Oh, the other day, my boss said we were running low on toner And he told me I should buy another case Well, I told him I was busy, but he still just kept on asking So, I turned around and stabbed him in the face (right in the face) Oh, and wouldn't you know it, my knife got stuck I guess that's probably bound to happen now and then But I'm afraid I may have bent the tip a little And I know that blade will never ever be quite as sharp again (quite as sharp again) Oh, tell me Why does this always happen? Why does this always happen to me? Why does this always happen? Why does this always happen to me? Why does this always happen to me? (Why does this always happen to me?) Why does this always happen to me? (Why does this always happen to me?) Ba ba ba ba, ba ba ba ba ba ba Ba ba ba ba, ba ba ba ba ba ba Ba ba ba ba, ba ba ba ba ba ba Ba ba ba ba, ba ba ba ba ba Ba ba ba ba ba, ba ba ba ba Ba ba ba ba ba, ba ba ba ba ba Ba ba ba ba ba, ba ba ba ba ba ba Ba ba ba ba ba, ba ba ba ba ba ba Poor Peter Parker was pitifulCouldn't have been any shyer Mary Jane still wouldn't notice him Even if his hair was on fire But then one day he went to that science lab That mutated spider came down Oh, and now Peter crawls ogre everyone's walls And he's swingin' all ogre town La li la, li de da La la, li le la da dum Sling us a web, you're the Spider-Man Sling us a web tonight 'Cause we're all in the mood for a hero now And there's evil doers to fight Now Harry the rich kid's a friend of his Who horns in on Mary Jane But to his great surprise it seems she prefers guys Who can kiss upside down in the rain "With great power comes great responsibility" That's the catch phrase of old Uncle Ben If you missed it, don't worry, they'll say the line Again and again and again Oh, la la la, di de da La la, di di da da dom Now Norman's a billionare scientist Who never had time for his son But then something went screwy and before you knew he Was trying to kill everyone And he's ridin' around on that glider thing And he's throwin' that weird pumpkin bomb Yes, he's wearin' that dumb Power Rangers mask But he's scarier without it on Sling us a web, you're the Spider-Man Sling us a web tonight 'Cause you're brave and you're strong and so limber now But where'd you come up with those tights? It's a pretty sad day at the funeral Norman Osborn has bitten the dust And I heard Harry's said he wants Spider-Man dead Aw, but his buddy Pete he can trust Oh, and M.J. is all hot for Peter now Aw, but Peter, he just shuts her down Mary Jane, don't you cry, you can give it a try Again when the sequal comes 'round Oh, la la la, di de da La la, di di da da dum Sling us a web, you're the Spider-Man Sling us a web tonight 'Cause we all sure could use us a hero now And we think that you'll do all right I, man, am regal - a German am I Never odd or even If I had a hi-fi Madam, I'm Adam Too hot to hoot No lemons, no melon Too bad I hid a boot Lisa Bonet ate no basil Warsaw was raw Was it a car or a cat I saw? Rise to vote, sir Do geese see gabe? "Do nine men interpret?" "Nine men," I nod Rats live on no evil star Won't lovers revolt now? Race fast, safe car Pa's a sap Ma is as selfless as I am May a moody baby doom a yam? Ah, Satan sees Natasha No devil lived on Lonely Tylenol Not a banana baton No "x" in "Nixon" O, stone, be not so O Geronimo, no minor ego "Naomi," I moan "A Toyota's a Toyota" A dog, a panic in a pagoda Oh no! Don Ho! Nurse, I spy gypsies - run! Senile felines Now I see bees I won UFO tofu We panic in a pew Oozy rat in a sanitary zoo Gabe! A red nugget! A fat egg under a dog! Go hang a salami, I'm a lasagna hog Yeah A used ... pink bathrobe A rare ... mint snowglobe A Smurf ... TV tray I bought on eBay My house ... is filled with this crap Shows up in bubble wrap Most every day What I bought on eBay Tell me why (I need another pet rock) Tell me why (I got that Alf alarm clock) Tell me why (I bid on Shatner's old toupee) They had it on eBay I'll buy ... your knick-knack Just check ... my feedback "A++!" they all say They love me on eBay Gonna buy (a slightly-damaged golf bag) Gonna buy (some Beanie Babies, new with tag) (From some guy) I've never met in Norway Found him on eBay I am the type who is liable to snipe you With two seconds left to go, whoa Got Paypal or Visa, what ever'll please ya As long as I've got the dough I'll buy ... your tchotchkes Sell me ... your watch, please I'll buy (I'll buy, I'll buy, I'll buy ...) I'm highest bidder now (Junk keeps arriving in the mail) (From that worldwide garage sale) (Dukes Of Hazard ashtray) (Hey! A Dukes Of Hazard ashtray) Oh yeah ... (I bought it on eBay) Wanna buy (a PacMan Fever lunchbox) Wanna buy (a case of vintage tube socks) Wanna buy (a Kleenex used by Dr. Dre, Dr. Dre) (Found it on eBay) Wanna buy (that Farrah Fawcet poster) (Pez dispensers and a toaster) (Don't know why ... the kind of stuff you'd throw away) (I'll buy on eBay) What I bought on eBay-y-y-y-y-y-y-y-y-y I'm not the brightest crayon in the box Everyone says I'm dumber than a bag of rocks I barely even know how to put on my own pants But I'm a genius in France (yeah), genius in France, genius in France Hoom chaka laka Hoom chaka laka Hoom chaka I may not be the sharpest hunk of cheese I got a negative number on my SATs I'm not good looking and I don't know how to dance But nevertheless and in spite of the evidence I am still widely considered to be A genius in France, a genius in France, a genius in France People say I'm a geek, a moronic little freak An annoying pipsqueak with an unfortunate physique If I was any dumber, they'd have to water me twice a week But when the Mademoiselles see me, they all swoon and shriek They dig my mystique, they say I'm c'est magnifique When I'm in Par-ee, I'm the chic-est of the chic They love my body odor and my bad toupee They love my stripey shirt and my stupid beret And when I'm sipping on a Perrier In some cafe town in St. Tropez It's hard to keep the fans at bay They say, "Sign my poodle, s'il vous plait" "Sign my poodle, s'il vous plait" Hemenene humenene himenene homenene Poodle... poodle... Folks in my hometown think I'm a fool Got too much chlorine in my gene pool A few peas short of a casserole A few buttons missing on my remote control A few fries short of a happy meal I couldn't pour water out of a boot with instructions on the heel Instructions on the heel Instructions on the heel But when I'm in Provence, I get free croissants Yeah, I'm the guy every French lady wants And if you ask 'em why, you're bound to get this response (He's a genius in France! Genius in France!) That's right (He's a genius in France, genius in France) You know it (He's a genius in France, genius in France, genius in France) I'm not the brightest bulb on the Christmas tree But the folks in France, they don't seem to agree They say, "Bonjour, Monsieur would you take ze picture with me?" I say, "Oui, oui" That's right, I say, "Oui, oui" "Oui, oui" He says, "Oui, oui" I'm dumber than a box of hair But those Frenchies don't seem to care Don't know why, mon frere But they love me there I'm a genius in France Yeah, I'm a genius in France Gonna make a big splash when I show up in Cannes Gonna make those Frenchies scream "You ze man! You ze man! You ze man!" Like a fine Renoir (waa), I've got that je me c'est quoi (quoi!) Like a fine Renoir (ooh la la), I've got that je me c'est ... Quoi quoi quoi quoi quoi, oo-we-oo Quoi quoi quoi quoi quoi, oo-we-oo Bow diddy bow di bow di bow bow diddy Bow diddy bow di bow di bow bow diddy Bow snort I'm a taco short of a combo plate But by some twist of fate, all the Frogs think I'm great Oh, the men all faint and the women scream They like me more than heavy cream When I'm in Versailles, I'm a popular guy My oh my, I'm as French as apple pie (apple pie) They think I'm awful witty, a riot and a half When I tell a stupid joke, they laugh(haw haw haw haw haw) And laugh (haw haw haw haw haw haw) People in France have lots of attitude They're snotty and rude, they like disgusting food But when they see me, they just come unglued They think that I am one happening dude Bowm ba ba bowm ba bowm ba bowm I'm about as sharp as a bowling ball But they like me better than Charles de Gaulle Entre nous, it's very true The room temperature's higher than my IQ But they love me more than Gerard Depardieu How did this happen; I don't have a clue Well, I'm not the quickest tractor on the farm I don't have any skills or grace or charm And most people look at me like I'm all covered with ants But I'm a genius in France (yeah), genius in France, genius in France And I'm never goin' back, I'm never goin' back I'm never never never never goin' back home again I'm tearin' up my return flight ticket Gonna tell the folks back here where they can stick it 'Cause I'm never goin' back I'm never goin' back I'm never goin' back The girls back home never gave me a chance But I sho' 'nuff got them Frogs in some kinda trance And I'm aware that it's a most improbable circumstance But "Great Googily Moogily", I'm a genius in France Every Frenchie that I meet Just can't wait to kiss my feet Get in line, pucker up! Tout Suite! Bowm diddy bowm diddy bowm diddy I'm gettin' even more famous by the hour I'm stuffed with pastries and drunk with power Now they're puttin' up my statue by the Eiffel Tower A little more to the left, boys, a little more to the left A little more to the left, boys, a little more to the left I'm the biggest dork there is alive My mom picked out my clothes for me 'till I was 35 And I forgot to mention I'm not even welcome at the Star Trek convention But the Frenchies think That my poop don't stink I'm a genius in France Say, would you pass the Grey Poupon? Merci beaucoup